Rollar Coaster Ride

aContinuation of having bipolar

It's 5:45 am and I feel as if I could run a marothon. There is a 7am fitness class at my gym and I will attend. However, I never know when I will crash. I compare my highs to a rollar coaster. The anticipation of waiting for the ride. You finally get your turn and the ride begins and then ends in 3 minutes.

I am trying to reprogram my brain to think rational, but somedays it is difficult. I have not worked in three years as some of you all know and my brain wants to work again but my body tells me something different. "Rome was not built in a day" a friend of mine said. I really dislike that phrase. Another phrase I hear is "one step at a time" or "take it slow". Those are great phrases to follow and I do need to look at where I was before and where I am now. We all need to do that, even if it is the smallest step, be proud of that.

Depression

This month will be three years since my diaganosis of bipolar. I have developed coping skills to relearn about my body. The medications I am on changes your metabolism and have other side effects. To avoid upsetting my stomache I can't eat the foods that I use to.

Curently, I can feel depression creeping up behind me. I went to my art ministry and was happy seeing my friends, however came home and had a crying spell. I joined a gym to shed some of these pounds but come home and sunk into the couch. These are signs of depression. I called my therapist and made an appointment for next week. I now know the red flags. I didn't always know the flags.

In July of 2010 I went back into psychosis due to missing the signs of depression and didn't see my psychiatrist sooner. Know your body and the signs. I may need a medication tweak or it may become worse. I will push myself tonight to visit with friends.

Look to the Lord and his strength, seek his face always (1Chronicles 16:11)

Blogging

    

When I was diagnosed with bipolar, I felt alone. I could not find a conveniant support group near my home. I did find one on line, however since bipolar varies in severity, finding a match to my disorder was difficult. I wanted to find someone that also hears voices. I could not find anyone that hears voices compared to mine.

I decided to blog my story that maybe there is a person out there that feels alone like I was feeling. It is my objective in these writings that I can be of assistance to someone who is in search of answers like I was in regards to what is ailing them.

Support is the key to this disorder and also knowing that others have gone through the same issues that you went through. It took over two years for me to find the right support and finding others I can relate to.

Thank you for your encouraging comments and taking the time in reading my blog.

©2010M.M.



  

Struggle

Continuation of my story and the struggles I faced when diagnosed with bipolar

As I said before, I was diagnosed in 2007. That year I spent most of my time in bed. I didn't take care about my hygene. My husband had to help me with basic living skills. The voices/hallucinations became my friends. I moved away from my home town to be with my husband and it was difficult meeting new friends. My father has a fear of flying, however he did call everyday. I would sit at my art table and stare at the paper for hours.

My short term memory was poor and I bagan to put on weight slowly. My husband would take me shopping and people would stare and laugh at me. I have no memory of this. I was on a strong medication which made me sluggish and I would stare off in the distance.

I felt like a puppet. I would do what the voices were telling me to do. "eat more toast","you didn't eat today, eat more" the voices/hallucinations would say. At times I would come back to reality and ignore the hallucinations. I was fighting for my sanity, but not by myself. I had Jesus in my heart and a loving husband. I would have my husband read the bible, and bipolar books to me. I couldn't read myself as the auditory hallucinations would repeat the words.

As I was laying in bed I looked up at the ceiling and saw moving shapes. I began to have visual hallucinations. "there is an angel in your neighbors window" the voices would say. I went outside and saw a shape of an angel. Paranoia struck and I thought my neighbors had put a spell on me. I pretented to take the trash outside and knocked on my neighbors door, however he was not home. The next day I admitted myself into the hospital.

Anyone reading this that struggles with a mental illnes or other disorders you are not alone. What helped me was seeing a therapist, leaning on family that has accepted the illness, leaning on the Lord, support groups, journaling, exercise, and healthy eating,

©2010M.M.

Strength

When diagnosed with bipolar I was speechless. I prayed about it and one sripture came to mind "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2Corinthians) I did go through the why questions "Why do I hear voices/hallucinations?,Why am I depressed?, Why can't I be the happy, energenic person I was before?

Now I have accepted the illness and ready to share my story by blogging. I never thought I would meet such wonderful people here when I started writing about it.  Thank you again for all your gracious comments. I go back and read them when depression kicks in.

I can remeber my third time in the Psychiatric Hospital, thinking how awkward I felt being an the other side. I used to teach children with mental illness, special needs, austim and other emotional disorders as well. I tried to act happy, coherant, intelligent in front of the staff. I always felt I had to tell them my work history.

One of the therapist gave me a list of famous people and other professions that had the diagnosis of bipolar. I felt at ease. "Its okay that I have bipolar" I said to myself.
Hugs to all and prayers



©2010M.M.

Grounded

When I am feeling depressed my body feels heavy, sunked in the couch. The phone rings but I do not answer. The doorbell rings and I don't open the door. I drink one coffee after another to gain some sort of energy. By the end of the day I push myself to put on my sneakers and out the door I go with an ankor feeling on my waist.

I am exhausted and my feet feel like they are sinking in the ground. I walk pass a lake and see one of my beautiful birds. I love Great White Heron's and Blue Heron's. I smile and I believe it is a way God is comforting me. I begin to feel grounded by looking at all of God's beautiful creatures. God is my favorite artist. What do you do to cope with the depression?

Starting Over

First, I would like to thank everyone for leaving the most wonderful and encouraging comments in regards to my last post. I look at my life now new beginnings. I have not worked in three years and currently going back to school for a new degree. I have not driven in three years and have compensated not diving for a bike. Just recently I have started diving again and it feels wonderful.

After trials of medications I believe we have found the correct one that keeps my moods, energy, hallucinations, paranoia, depression, anxiety, and appetite controlled. Don't give up and eventually it will happen for you. I still have to see a therapist a psychiatrist to keep myself in check. I met a few wonderful friends here in this new state I am living in and they accept me for me. However, I have learned the hard way also. I lean on God for strength.