Saturday, May 1, 2010

In the begining

I was shocked with the intial reaction of the diagnosis of bipolar. My husband and I did our own research on the disorder and it is comparible to ADHD, however that disorder does not have auditory hallutionations. The psychiatrist explain I was in acute psychosis. I felt like I was in a dream. Each time I awoke from sleep I was hoping it was gone. Each day I would get down on  my hands and knees and pray for God to relieve me from the halluncinations (voices, tactile and olfactory)  I then went through the stages. I was in denial. "this can't be me, we don't have mental illness in our family"

I was frustrated "why me and why now in my early thirties" Deep down I knew there was somthing odd about me. I spoke with my doctor back in my early twenties and she suggested a clinic. I was there all day taking tests and here are the diagnosis when I was twenty eight: ADHD NOS, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Cognitive Disorder NOS. NOS means all the characteristics of that disorder are not there.

As we all know now I have bipolar added to the list. I read a story about a man that heard voices as well. He felt if he kept moving from state to state they would eventually disappear. I felt the the same in the beginning of the diagnosis. When the voices became loud and unbearable, I felt that urge to leave the house. My husband and I stayed at hotels, thinking it was the house. During that time in beginnning I believed it was spititual warfair and spirits were in the house.

It was really hard on me receiving the diagnosis at first. My family did not believe it. I went to one psychiatrst after another hoping they would change the diagnosis. I have accepted having bipolar and with God's strength I know I am not alone.

hugs and strength to you all

How did you all feel when you first received a diagnosis of depression, Bipolar, Generalized Anxiety disorder or any other disorders etc? Only if you care to share?


  1. When I first received my diagnosis of "A severe depressive episode"...I actually was comforted. I know that sounds strange, but when you are "alone" in your emotions and feel so strongly that something is simply not right - a diagnosis of impact can validate your fears and support your movement towards healing.

    I wrote about it from day one, and just tried my hardest to keep telling myself to tune out my ego. I didnt feel right, happy or healthy, and it is so important not to lie about it.
    I love your honesty and am here anytime you need anything :) HUGE hugs to you

  2. Emeila...I knew, being a nurse, that I had depression and was having anxiety attacks. My doctor confirmed this and put me on medication. That was several years ago and I am off meds right now...but I never know when the symptoms will recur. So I just enjoy each good day to its' fullest. And I will worry about the bad days when they come.

    Live, love and fight, dear are in my thoughts!

  3. Hi Emeila. Thankyou for your comments on my blog. Its nice to meet you. When I first got diagnosed I refused to believe it, and have always been in denial up until recently. My sister was also diagnosed with bipolar last year, and hospitalised a second time like myself. Our father is a moody man who suffered alot from depression. So I thought to myself, it has to be genetic, and now accept that I have bipolar disorder. I also found a blog on here about a family with a bipolar child, and a list of the symptoms children can have. I fitted the criteria of having bipolar as a child, and it gave me more insight into why I've always felt a little weird, and different from others, apart from having a history of childhood sexual abuse which also makes you feel alienated from the rest of the world. Like yourself Emeila, I was in acute psychosis too when I first got admitted into the psyche ward and diagnosed with bipolar in 1993. It's not a nice place to be hey, and glad it was just the once. From there I've experienced mostly chronic depression, and hypomania at times, especially if I don't get enough sleep, and have a project going. At the moment I'm trying to manage without medications, and have been off them since January, so 4 months. I hate taking the wretched things, and will do everything in my power to stay off them.