Saturday, February 27, 2010

Scripture about strength

fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

—Isaiah 41:10
  Continuation of Bipolar story:
Like I said before everyone that has Bipolar is different. The other day I was writing my blog at my husband's work. I tutor adult students there. Someone saw what I was writing " I didn't know you had Bipolar" a teacher said. "You dont look or acted Bipolar" he said  I educated him on Bipolar. This is why I am writing my story. Another individual may write there story and it will look completely different then mine.
Do you know anyone with Bipolar?
Is there anything you would like to know about Bipolar/mental illness?
Thank you for taking time in reading my blog.

Friday, February 26, 2010

My fears

                                                     Continuation of my story having Bipolar

     I realized it was time to call disabilty. It had been almost a year and we could not find the right medication. We needed an extra income to help with my doctor appointments and medications. I felt like I was giving up. I prayed about it and the made the call.

   I dreaded meeting new people, even though I loved meeting new people before the disorder "Where do you work?" a new friend would say. Racing thoughts/questions would happen. "What do I tell her?" "Do I tell her the truth?" "What would she think?"'I look normal, but my mind is in another world. "Can they tell I am Bipolar?" "Do I act different?" "I am taking a break and may go back to school for another degree" I would say.

  I am an outgoing person and love meeting new people. I love to joke around. Since the disorder it has held me back from meeting new friends. My fear are those general questions. I have volunteered at many places and again here comes the questions. "Why hasn't this woman worked in two years?" Are they thinking this? 

I am an artist and would use this as an excuse. "I am blessed that I can work on my art at home and not work at this time" I would tell new people that I would meet. I wish there was not a stigma on mental illness and any new people I would meet would see me first.

I am taking some classes at a collage (graphic design). When I graduate and begin the search for a job, "how in the world do I explain why I have not worked in three years" "You are a well kept woman" my husband would say. I would just laugh.

On a positive note don't let the illness take over. I will work again, even if it is part time. I just started driving again and it felt great to be behind the wheel. So far this medication is keeping be stable. We are people before the Disorder.

Here are some resources that are recommended: (support group on line)


Thursday, February 25, 2010

Going through the stages

Continuation of my story of Bipolar in 2007

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar, I was ready to fight and become healthy again, however not realizing the long road ahead of me. Below I will list what I went through.
  • Positive attitude
  • Depression (medication after medication not working)
  • Decrease in hygene (no showers, same clothes each day)
  • Positive attitude again
  • exercising, but was fatigued and gave up early
  • weight gain
  • continuation of the voices
  • depression increased
  • suicidal thoughts also called suicidal ideation (you think of it but do not act on it)
  • took too many anxiety pills to numb the pain of Bipolar
  • praying
  • Positive attitude again along with family, friends and husband to give me a push
  • driving a car was put on hold( I bought a bike)
  • working was put on hold ( volunteerd at an art gallery, and a hospital)
  • started another medication which again did not eliminate the voices/hallucinations
  • depression again
  • grieving my life before
  • grieving not being able to have a child
  • positive attitude again, I have three beautiful step children that love me
  • God is my strength
This may not work for everyone that has a mental illness but I bought a pet and I had to be responsible for him. BoBo (parakeet) lead me to not to sleep all day. He brighten my moods and was easy to take care of. I scheduled my medications each day and scheduled my day from house work to exerccise.

I am blessed I have a wonderful supportive husband. When my hygene was poor from the depression he helped me with clean clothes,manicures and pedicures. No, he didn't do the nails lol He would take me to a salon.

Support is very important. I would read up on the illness and go to support groups on line and in a group.. I would also recommned books about the disorder to my husband as well. It was very hard on my family to see me like this. I was always the life of the party. They are still in denial but in there own way giving me support.

My family wants me back the way I was. I am starting slow. I just bought a car and starting off slowly since it has been three years of not driving. I will continue to volunteer and pray to God for strength and always thank him for helping me get through these years.

What helps you get you through your struggles?
Do you know anyone that has a mental illness or bipolar and have questions?
Have you ever felt depressed and what got you through it?
Do you have a pet and what kind?
Do you like the black background, or would white background be easy reading?

Thank you again for reading my blog, God Bless


Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Summer of 2007

Psychosis is the most severe stage of bipolar disorder.  Psychosis refers to a condition where a person is not able to discriminate eternal reality from internal experieneces. In psychosis, people begin to doubt their normal world view and suddenly anything is possible and fantasy becomes reality. This consept is alot easier to understand if you have seen real psychosis (or experienced it yourself). Wes Burgess, M.D,. PH.D.

Common psychotic experiences in bipolar disorder include the belief that you are omnipotent, invulnerable, and godlike or that rules do not appy to you (grandiosity), the belief that others are plotting to harm you (paranoia), the experence og hearing voices (auditory hallucinations) or seeing things that are not there (visual hallucinations), and a belief in stories and facts that are not evident (delusions). Wes Burgess, M.D., PH.D.

     I have expereneced psychosis as stated in many of my other blogs. I am going to explain in detail what it was like for me to be in psychosis. Everyone that has been in psyschosis is different. I first experenced the auditory hallucinations/voices. Next came the paranoia, I would constantly check the vents in the duplex where we were  living in for cameras. I closed the vents in the bathrooms where I felt the saftest. At this point I still trusted my husband.

   I started to become paranoid and believed the voices here and there. At times they were my friends. One time my husband gave a sleeping pill to me for sleep help me because I was going on two days without any. "no, stop, don't take the pills they are going to harm you" said the voices. At this point I was in full blown paranoia. I pretended to take the pill and then hid it in the couch.

 Now I am hearing the voices/halucinations throughout the day. Next came the visual hallucinations. I would see shadows at the corner of my eye. I would see large circular shadows moving on the ceiling. I would shake my head to see if they would go away. I would also see shapes and pictures on the ceiling as well and the pictures would talk to me.

Again, my safe haven was the bathroom. Like I said in another blog, I would take a shower, just to feel calm and all the hallucinations would dissapear for a moment.
I had gone out to lunch with my husband one day. "I know what is happening to me" I said "our neighbors are secretly brainwashing us through the vents". I said. My husband remained calm and held back his tears. He just changed the subject.  At this point I had not been to the hospital and we were waiting on my sister-in-law to come and pick me up.

I also experienced the tactile halluncinations. I felt as if someone was pulling on my body when I was trying to sleep. As of now, I was going on 4 days without any sleep and the auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations are geting worse. "what is that smell" I said "I dont smell anything" my husband would say. The psychiatrist described it as olfactory (smell) hallucinations.

I began to feel scared when I would come back to realaty and would read the bible outloud. The voices became scary and I prayed all through out the day. I began to have suicidal thoughts and told my husband. I then admitted myself to the psychiatric ward for the first time.

Currently I am stable and strong. Like I said before everyone that experiences psychosis is different. We are people before Bipolar. I stay on my medication and living a great life. I am driving again and may go back to school for a second degree.

Please comment or any questions are welcome.


Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Staying healthy

Below are tips that keep me healthy:
This helps me with having Bipolar and staying stable, however everyone is different

1.exercise, yoga, stretching, walking, low impact arobics
2. medications on a regular basis
3.healthy eating
4.regular doctor appointments support along with outside support
6.being proactive (volunteering,hobbies etc.)
8.pets are great therapy to help with depression
9.schedule your day
10.schedule your sleep

Please feel free to comment and any suggestions are welcome.

 © 2010-M.M.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Voices/hallucinations,and I

As we all know I was diagnosed in 2007 as having Bipolar with auditory hallucinations/voices. Currently I do not hear the voices/hallucinations. I am stable and the medication is leveling my moods. I am more on the depressed side.

There was a point in time when I just had to laugh at the voices/hallucinations. I hope I do not offend anyone as I know the voices/hallucinations can be tormenting, and can try to take over your thinking process. My voices would commnet on my actions, tell me what to do and sometimes just be cruel repeatively.

As a christian I believed I would not be where I am today. Praying to the Lord kept me mentally strong. I had to pray outloud as the voices would repeat the prayers in my head like an echo.

Well, getting back to laughing at my voices. The psychiatrist could not find the right medication at that time to help, so I prayed for strength and humor helped. "so what should we have for dinner tonight" I would say to the voices/hallucinations. "am I wearing to much makeup" also speaking to the voices. Sarcasm helped me with the voices/hallucinations.

As you all thinking "did they speak back" well of course they did. I just know in my heart the Lord again kept me sane. I voulunteerd, and rode my bike having those voices in my head. I noticed if I redirected myself I did not hear them as much.

A few tips that helped me was ignoring them and keeping busy which also eliminated them for a few hours. I usually would speak to them when I was frustraed and uesd my sarcastic humor. Everyone that has them deals with them differently.

Humor about my disorder helps and the Lords strength.
"My grace is sufficienet for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"(2Corinthians 12:9)

© 2010-M.M.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Favorite quote

My favorite quote I found on line and not sure of the author: “Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.

Even with the changes of my moods, attention and energy I try to laugh:)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Life before Bipolar

I have read through many books that you are born with bipolar disorder and a traumatic episode will trigger it. I believe the death of my grandmother triggered the disorder. I have had a life before the bipolar arose into this life. I have a BS in Communication disorders/audiology. I have taught children with special needs for over 12 years.

I have worked in schools, residential homes for the deaf, home-based settings and had my own business. I always had two jobs, fundraising for children, ran the Boston marathon for children diagnosed with cancer. I also ran other races as well. I mountain biked, and played floor hockey.

You must be saying "why can't she do this now" well at the time we had to find the right medication and it takes days, weeks, months and sometimes years. My energy was gone.

Two and a half years later(2007) I was diagnosed with Bipolar. My job, running/exercising, and driving was placed on hold.

The toughest decision I had to make was to apply for disabilty at age 34. However, we needed the money for doctor visists, and medication. I was now home every day.

Sometimes, to be honest, I will go through a pity party, but I believe God is molding me into a new and improve me. Thank you for taking the time in reading my blog. My story will continue.

Any questions or comments are welcome.

© 2010-M.M.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Information on Bipolar

What is bipolar disorder? Bipolar disorder is a disease of the nervous system that involves the brain and the body. Environmental, hereditary, genetic, and biological factors create changes in brain cells and an imbalance in the chemicals within the nervous system, resulting in abnormal fluctuations in metabolism, emotions, and thought processes, including attention.-Wes Burgess,M.D,Ph.D.

Through out my experience I have seen and read that everyone with Bipolar is different. Some may be more on the depressed side and some may not. Some may never experience auditory hallucinations as I do and some may experience other hallucinations (tactile, olfactory(smell) and visual).

I myself have experienced all those hallucinations. Bipolar is a mental illness and we all know that there is a stigma on mental illness. We are people first and some with bipolar can have careers (doctors, teachers, lawyers, advocates, plumbers, writers, etc) We can have families and have children.

At first I was very careful whom I told and still a bit cautious. Blogging my story I feel is different. I am ready to tell my story but behind the computer. I would like the stigma of mental illness to go away. Thank you for taking the time in reading my blog. Any questions/comments are welcome.

© 2010-M.M.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Continuation of the summer of 2007:

I would like to focus writing about my voices/auditory hallucinations that I heard during that summer. I heard them throughout the day and night. Medication after medication could not eliminate these auditory hallucinations. "you are being poisoned by your husband", "Your neighbors can read your mind". "Your neighbors put a spell on you" The voices would say these phrases repetitively.

Sometimes they were unbearable that I had my husband read me a book, due to the voices repeating my thoughts. It was soothing to me when my husband read the bible. I had him read my favorite stories.

I also had to sleep with head phones just to lower the voices/hallucinations so I could sleep. I would listen to classical music where they could not repeat the words.

There was a point where I became very angry and was not willing to give up the fight of sanity. Here is what I wrote in my journal and found writing in a journal calming when anxious.

"Refuse" summer of 2007:

"I refuse to call myself insane or crazy. I am not insane or crazy. I am me first. This is me first before Bipolar. I am creative, funny, affectionate, cute, innocent, gullible at times, socialable, sensitive, intelligent, tenatious at times, compassionate, strong and weak at times.

So what, right now I can't work. I will find something else to do that is fufilling. So what, I can't drive. I will buy a bike. So what, I can't use all the gifts God has given me right now. I know he has a plan for me. I will pray for people. Prayer is very powerful. I will pray for some of my friends and family. When I taught children with Autism I told the parents to look at their child as a child first before the Austism. I will look at me before Bipolar"

Now, Feb 2010 I do not hear the voices/ hallucinations anymore. I still have more to tell about my story with Bipolar and how God gave me strength to get to where I am today.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask away or a comment. The cliche, there are not any dumb questions or comments I am happy to answer. I was diagnosed with Bipoar 3 years ago.

Thank you for taking the time in reading my blog.

© 2010-M.M.

Another sad story

I wanted to start adding humor to my blogs but I just lost my friend (my bird). He was the sweetest, funniest, and smartest parakeet. He followed my routines. At night I would play my music and he would sing and dance to the songs.

When I became depressed from the Bipolar(mood disorder) I would watch him play with his bird toys. His favorites were spinning mirrors and wheels. I would let him out of his cage everyday and walk around the room and play on his bird gym he had.

How amazing that this small creature trusted a tall creature like me. He used to step up on my feet and walk around the room with me. He was one of God's creature and now he is back with him. He helped me with my depression and now I have to use his memories and speak to the lord.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


Continuation of my disorder of having Bipolar:

I hope I do not offend anyone but in order for me to keep sane with having a mental illness I need to have a sense humor. Don't we all though, just to make it through the day, hour, and minute. I have been in 4 different psychiatric hospitals.

"What hospitals have you been to in the last two years" the nurse asked . After naming all the hospitals, I looked at the nurse and said "hey, I wanted to see which had the best food (shoulders shrugged, eyebrows raised)"

My friend has the same sense of humor as me. She bought me a sign that says "Gone to Therapy" ahahaha I believe strongly in therapy and I am seeing one now, but that sign made feel it is okay to laugh. I have it hanging in my hallway of my house.

Laugh, it brings those serotonin neurotransmitters to our brain which helps our moods

© 2010-M.M.

My bird

Feeling sad today. My bird is now in heaven. I was there when he passed and talked to him. I miss him. I don't feel like tutoring at night today, just being alone. I miss him saying good morning with his songs, It was like clock work. He was so happy when I cleaned his cage and gave him fresh water and food.

I will write more about my story having Bipolar tomorrow.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Sad story

My step-son asked us to adopt a child many times. He has a brother and a sister but wants another to play games with. My husband and I have made a decision not to have children either way. I couldn't live with myself if my child was also diagnosed with Bipolar. Our child would have a higher chance getting Bipolar since I have the disorder. Adopting would be difficult to do from other personal issues.

I am sad every time he ask this question. How do you tell a 13 year old"I can not have children due to having bipolar and your farther and I can not adopt because of other issues and they are too difficult for you to understand"

My step-son has some special needs and him and I have a special bond. He would not understand any of this. Thank you for taking the time in reading my blog.

I must take time to come into God's presence, to feel my weakness and my need, and to renew my fellowship with him. (Andrew Murray)


What is sleep? lol I didn't sleep much last night. Here is another little character I made. I am going on three days, I believe, without the voices/hallucinations. This medication is working.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


I feel a cold coming on.;) This is another one of the many flower characters I have made.

The hardest thing that I went through while in psychosis(in and out of reality) was being separated from my husband. I went home (Mom and step-Dad) for 4 months to be with family. I was paranoid and didn't trust anyone. Once they found the right medication I began to think clearly again. I reconciled with my husband. He never gave up on us. This incident happened July 2010 to Nov 2010.

I was blessed I had an understanding and comforting Mom, Dad and my sister. I felt God's love around me while fighting through this episode. Have a wonderful Sunday all.

Today I feel great.

Happy Valentines!!! :) :)

Saturday, February 13, 2010


I am in a great mood. The medication is still working well. I have not had a hallucination all day. My step-son is here and he makes me smile. If any of you are not sure what Bipolar is, well it is a mood disorder. Everyone that has Bipolar, the symptoms varies. Some may have hallucinations and some may not. As well as some may go into psychosis and some may never experience it.

Today my mood is stable. I am more on the depressed side of Bipolar. I love art and that brightens my mood when I become sad. My husband also cheers me up when I am blue.

Thank you all for reading my blog. Have a good night.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Valentine weekend

I hope you all have a happy weekend. Here is one of my Valentine Characters, more to come.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

New Medication

In March it will be three years having battling this disorder. I am thankful for God, family, friends and my husband. I was hospitalized in September this year(2010). I went back into psychosis. I admitted myself. I was again coming in and out of reality. I was home with family at this time and told them "hospital time". I think the reason for psychosis this time was trying a new medicine.

I am not afraid of going into a psychiatric ward. Actually, this one had many resources for when it was time for me to go home. At times I feel comfortable there, because the patients can relate to me, but again as always, I want my own bed.

I am on a new medicine now and today I did not hear the voices/hallucinations at all. I began this medication in September 2010. I finally had peace. Thank you all for taking the time in reading my blog and God Bless you all.

My bird is still sick and I just hope he overcomes what he has. He is the sweetest bird. I miss his songs. I miss watching him play with his bird toys and I miss him singing to music that I play. BoBo (my bird) loves loud classical music.

Have a good night all:)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


A quote I came across while online. "Life is like riding a bicycle, you don't fall off, unless you plan to stop peddling.-Claude Pepper

Have a good night all:)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Continuation of the summer of 2007,

The psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis of Bipolar. I am still hearing the voices/hallucinations and depressed. I am on my fifth new medication. They say it could take months or even years to find the new medicine to elimninate the voices/hallucinations.

I pray everyday. I fight everyday for my sanity, I will not snap and I will be me again. I know the reason I was not snapping was because I still have a purpose in life and I am leaning on the Lord more then ever.

I am on disabilty. I knew deep down inside God still had a purpose for my life,once I overcame this bump.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Hospital Time Continuation

Continuation Of Hospital Time:(April 2007)

If you are just reading this, I have written several other blogs that talk about my experiences when receiving the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.

I did not know what was happening to me. I was hearing voices in my head that no one could hear. I began to visually hallucinate (seeing things that are not there) and tactile hallucinate (feeling weird sensations on my body that should not be there).

I felt sane being in that psychiatric ward. The patients in there could relate to what I was feeling. I felt at ease and happy. They understood me. I was in the hospital for a week. I went back 3 times to the same hospital due to medication changes.

I will be honest though, there were times, were I wanted out of that hospital and wanted to be home. I felt as if I was in a bad dream and I would just wake up and all of this would be gone.

Before I became ill and was diagnosed with Bipolar I had my own business as a Behavior Therapist. I was a specialized teacher. I taught children diagnosed with Autism and children with special needs. I also taught the parents the laws when their child would transition into the school system.

I was a Behavior Therapist for over twelve years and I also have a degree in communication disorders. I do miss it at times. I have not worked in almost three years, however, I am determined to go back to school for another degree.

The greatest happiness of my life is that I am loved by the Lord Jesus and can fellowship with him everyday (Andrew Murray)

God is definitely my strength but my husband was also my strength and pushed me to never give up. I believe God sends you people in your life that help you with your struggles.

© 2010-M.M.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Hospital time

Continuing with my story about being diagnosed with Bipolar,

Like I said before paranoia struck and the voices in my head were very loud and I finally approached my husband to bring me to the hospital. I admitted myself. They told me I was in acute psychosis. I would come in an out of reality. When I was in reality I knew the voices were not my friend. Out of reality I believed them and did everything they told me what to do.

I am hoping I may find someone on here that I can help and knowing they are not alone. It doesn't have to be Bipolar but it could be any type of mental illness.

What I learned about having a mental illness is you are you first. Stay on your medication, go to the doctors on a regular basis.When the voices were loud I would stick my head under the shower and that was my peace.

They told me I could not drive while trying different medications so I bought a bike. The doctors said I could not work again, I then volunteered. This mental illness was not going to take over my body.

God Bless you all

© 2010-M.M.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


Continuation of March 2007,

Now I feel anxious, tightness in chest and trouble breathing. I begin to pray. Eventually the panic attack went away. The Doctors explain anxiety attacks will go away on their own. Now I will list what feeling Paranoid is like and what I did to get through this.


  • During that week I felt like the neighbors were always watching me
  • I checked for cam-corder's in our apartments
  • I started to have conversations with the voices
  • I felt like everyone that cared for me including my husband was trying to harm me

At one point I was not paranoid and confronted my husband "please place me in the hospital"

I admitted myself in a psychiatric ward to receive help.

Look to the Lord and his strength, seek his face always(1Chronicles 16:11)

Friday, February 5, 2010


Continuation of March 2007,

Paranoia and anxiety happened. "Could this really be happening, that me, I am hearing voices/auditory hallucinationns" I like to call them auditory hallucinations, voices are from people.

I was taking an art class at that time and enjoying it. My marriage was happy. Where did the voices/halluncinations come from. Am I having a nervous breakdown?

Each day they became louder and more personal. "we put a hex/spell on you" the voices would begin to say.
I will write more tomorrow


This night happened March 2007

We lived in duplex and each night I began to hear the mumbles. I thought it was just the neighbors. Each night I lay in bed and the mumbles became louder and louder. "Do you hear that" I asked my husband. "no, just go back to sleep"

The mumbles turned into voices. "Daddy I can't sleep" the little girl would say. I would hear crying. I just shrugged it off as if the neighbors daughter was not sleeping.

It has been a couple weeks hearing the voices just at night. Well, now I am hearing them during the day. I could hear the couple talking clearly and they were talking about me.

I became paranoid. I approached my husband and again he would say "I do not hear anything"

Everyday I would hear the voices and paranoia struck. "Am I the only one hearing these voices!" I would say out loud. Anxiety struck.

Are you experiencing the test of fire and affliction? Thank God that he is there. "He sits by the fire." He is there to comfort, to strengthen, and to encurage. Reach out by faith and take his hand. Look up into his face and let his presence reassure you. (J.C. Brumfield)

© 2010-M.M.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


My parakeet is very sick. I bought him in 2007 and at that time I was very depressed. At times I could not even get out of bed. BoBo (parakeet) gave me a purpose to get OUT of bed. I had to clean his cage, train him, feed him and spend hours just talking to him.

They say boy parakeets talk. Well, mine never talked, but he learned his named and his cute little noises were ways of him communicating to me. I took him to the vet and they don't think he will make it throughout the week. A friend told me "sometimes God places people or animals in your life for a reason and when their purpose is done God takes them back".

I would just sit and watch him play with his toys in his cage or while on his play gym which would make me smile. I believe strongly if you are ill get a pet and they will definitely lift your spirits.

Love leads me to prayer. (Andrew Murray)