Friday, February 26, 2010

My fears

                                                     Continuation of my story having Bipolar

     I realized it was time to call disabilty. It had been almost a year and we could not find the right medication. We needed an extra income to help with my doctor appointments and medications. I felt like I was giving up. I prayed about it and the made the call.

   I dreaded meeting new people, even though I loved meeting new people before the disorder "Where do you work?" a new friend would say. Racing thoughts/questions would happen. "What do I tell her?" "Do I tell her the truth?" "What would she think?"'I look normal, but my mind is in another world. "Can they tell I am Bipolar?" "Do I act different?" "I am taking a break and may go back to school for another degree" I would say.

  I am an outgoing person and love meeting new people. I love to joke around. Since the disorder it has held me back from meeting new friends. My fear are those general questions. I have volunteered at many places and again here comes the questions. "Why hasn't this woman worked in two years?" Are they thinking this? 

I am an artist and would use this as an excuse. "I am blessed that I can work on my art at home and not work at this time" I would tell new people that I would meet. I wish there was not a stigma on mental illness and any new people I would meet would see me first.

I am taking some classes at a collage (graphic design). When I graduate and begin the search for a job, "how in the world do I explain why I have not worked in three years" "You are a well kept woman" my husband would say. I would just laugh.

On a positive note don't let the illness take over. I will work again, even if it is part time. I just started driving again and it felt great to be behind the wheel. So far this medication is keeping be stable. We are people before the Disorder.

Here are some resources that are recommended: (support group on line)


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