Psychosis

Summer of 2007

Psychosis is the most severe stage of bipolar disorder.  Psychosis refers to a condition where a person is not able to discriminate eternal reality from internal experieneces. In psychosis, people begin to doubt their normal world view and suddenly anything is possible and fantasy becomes reality. This consept is alot easier to understand if you have seen real psychosis (or experienced it yourself). Wes Burgess, M.D,. PH.D.

Common psychotic experiences in bipolar disorder include the belief that you are omnipotent, invulnerable, and godlike or that rules do not appy to you (grandiosity), the belief that others are plotting to harm you (paranoia), the experence og hearing voices (auditory hallucinations) or seeing things that are not there (visual hallucinations), and a belief in stories and facts that are not evident (delusions). Wes Burgess, M.D., PH.D.

     I have expereneced psychosis as stated in many of my other blogs. I am going to explain in detail what it was like for me to be in psychosis. Everyone that has been in psyschosis is different. I first experenced the auditory hallucinations/voices. Next came the paranoia, I would constantly check the vents in the duplex where we were  living in for cameras. I closed the vents in the bathrooms where I felt the saftest. At this point I still trusted my husband.

   I started to become paranoid and believed the voices here and there. At times they were my friends. One time my husband gave a sleeping pill to me for sleep help me because I was going on two days without any. "no, stop, don't take the pills they are going to harm you" said the voices. At this point I was in full blown paranoia. I pretended to take the pill and then hid it in the couch.

 Now I am hearing the voices/halucinations throughout the day. Next came the visual hallucinations. I would see shadows at the corner of my eye. I would see large circular shadows moving on the ceiling. I would shake my head to see if they would go away. I would also see shapes and pictures on the ceiling as well and the pictures would talk to me.

Again, my safe haven was the bathroom. Like I said in another blog, I would take a shower, just to feel calm and all the hallucinations would dissapear for a moment.
I had gone out to lunch with my husband one day. "I know what is happening to me" I said "our neighbors are secretly brainwashing us through the vents". I said. My husband remained calm and held back his tears. He just changed the subject.  At this point I had not been to the hospital and we were waiting on my sister-in-law to come and pick me up.

I also experienced the tactile halluncinations. I felt as if someone was pulling on my body when I was trying to sleep. As of now, I was going on 4 days without any sleep and the auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations are geting worse. "what is that smell" I said "I dont smell anything" my husband would say. The psychiatrist described it as olfactory (smell) hallucinations.

I began to feel scared when I would come back to realaty and would read the bible outloud. The voices became scary and I prayed all through out the day. I began to have suicidal thoughts and told my husband. I then admitted myself to the psychiatric ward for the first time.

Currently I am stable and strong. Like I said before everyone that experiences psychosis is different. We are people before Bipolar. I stay on my medication and living a great life. I am driving again and may go back to school for a second degree.

Please comment or any questions are welcome.

©2010-M.M.